Kymell
05-18-2004, 02:39 PM
Fresh from my bath, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
With this, I stopped "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
***
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.
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A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is
to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all
sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a
little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The
gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she
decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,
but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be
embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been
snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice,
"Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across
her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy!". Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes
later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think
about it. She let rip a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Once
again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy,
get away from her, before she shits on you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on
the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is
full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out
the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only
one check left
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the
Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on
the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on
the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't
paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the
flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my
checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm
really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you
know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this! Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Signed,
Your Owner
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
With this, I stopped "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
***
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is
to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all
sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a
little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The
gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she
decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,
but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be
embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been
snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice,
"Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across
her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy!". Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes
later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think
about it. She let rip a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Once
again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy,
get away from her, before she shits on you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on
the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is
full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out
the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only
one check left
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the
Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on
the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on
the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't
paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the
flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my
checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm
really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you
know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this! Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Signed,
Your Owner